Almost Got 'im
by TeamUnitedNerds
Summary: A tribute to an episode of Batman: The Animated Series, featuring Magic Man, Hunson Abadeer, Magic Man, and the Earl Of Lemongrab playing a game of poker


The Ice King, Hunson Abadeer, Lemongrab, and Magic Man sat around a table, enjoying their weekly game of poker. Lemongrab's swollen body barely fit into his chair, which creaked beneath him from his sheer mass. Magic Man chose to levitate above his seat, just to show everyone that he could. Hunson's feet were placed on the table, and the Ice King stood down normally, shyly.

The four had shared nothing but silence for the majority of the game. Magic Man broke the silence by obnoxiously proclaiming "Yaaaaaaaaaaaawn" don't you guys ever talk about anything? How have you been since I've seen you last? Lemongrab, have you put on weight? I told you to lay off of your siblings"

Lemongrab snarled in Magic Man's general direction. "And Ice King? How does being bitter and alone feel?"

The Ice King lifted his cards over his face. The room was once again filled with an awkward silence.

"Well, I'm doing great, thanks for asking" Magic Man said, with his arms crossed as if not asking such a thing was extremely impolite.

"I was just about to enjoy myself the most wonderful sandwich in the universe before Finn and Jake stopped me. Aren't they just the worst?"

The silence still remained unbroken, until Lemongrab spoke up. "Ungh, I hate the little boy too" he huffed.

Hunson shrugged. "I think the kid's alright. I mean, he cut open my soul sack once, but the past is the past, right?"

The Ice King suddenly felt more comfortable in his environment. "Yeah, he's always getting in the way of my bubblegum princess. I think he's just jealous because his girlfriend is a psycho"

Hunson coughed. "Well, to be fair, I think everyone here is a little psycho, Simon"

"Especially meeeeeeeee" Magic Man sung.

"Hey, can we talk about something serious?" Hunson asked. "As you all know, I have this daughter. I've told you about her before, right? Lovely girl. Well, I've been keeping the truth about her mother hidden from her for a long time, and I think it's about time I tell her, but I'm afraid I might hurt her. What do you guys think I should do?"

Lemongrab began to perspire heavily, lemon juice pouring down from his forehead and onto his lap. "You should do what I do to all of my disobedient children. Send them to the dungeon! Or eat them"

Hunson sighed. "Maybe asking a room full of sociopaths for parenting advice isn't the best idea"

The Ice King gave his beard a nervous tug. "Hey Lemongrab?" he asked. Lemongrab's fat head swiveled towards the Ice King. "If Princess Bubblegum is my girlfriend, and she created you, does that make you my son?"

Lemongrab's fists hit the table, sending cards flying everywhere. To be perfectly fair, that wasn't much of a problem, since everyone gave up on playing any kind of real poker shortly after Magic Man started cheating.

"Don't you mention her in front of me!" he shouted.

"Hey, don't talk that way about my girlfriend!"

"Oooooo, dramaaaaaaa" Magic Man purred.

Hunson said nothing. Instead he watched, waiting for this to escalate further.

The Ice King formed a sphere of solid ice, and hurled it at the bloated lemon creature. It bounced off of his stomach harmlessly, hitting Magic Man in the chest with massive force.

Magic Man clutched his stomach in pain. "Ungh, I think I'm dying"

He fell limply to the table, hands still wrapped around himself. "Haha, just kidding!" he cheered, resuming his floating over the table. "I'm as deathless as Hunson over there. Being immortal really is great, you know. I feel bad for Lemongrab, he's the only one out of any of us who's going to die someday"

Lemongrab suddenly flipped the table, hurling it across the room and onto Ice King. "Oof, my old man bones"

Magic Man slyly snapped his fingers and turned the table into a massive crab that walked out of the room.

Hunson sighed. "Well, it was nice playing with you all, I'll look forward to our next game"

Hunson left the room, sucking out the crab's soul as he did


End file.
